The day you arrived into our world was bittersweet because I knew you would be my last. My last little miracle to inside me, to feel those kicks, to experience the magic of childbirth and that euphoric moment of holding my newborn baby in my arms for the first time. I wish I had embraced my pregnancy with you more but with two other children and the chaos of life, those days just flew by and in the blink of an eye, you were here.
I know I complain sometimes and long for my pre motherhood days, but soon I will look back on this time and miss these long nights, the groundhog days filled with feeds and comforting you as I rock you back and forth because although in the thick of it, it feels as though these moments will never end, they will soon be gone. Its almost as though I feel the need to grieve for an era of my life that has now come to an end. Every one of your firsts will be a last for me. Your first smile will be the last first smile I will witness of my own child. Your first little steps will be the last first steps I will ever see as I try and catch you as you stumble. As you grow up, you will be the last one to need me, the last one to want tucking in at night, the last one to climb into my bed and call me Mummy.
You already have clothes that you have grown out of. Clothes that I have no need to store away and save for another. They tell you that you shouldn’t hold your baby too much for fear they will become clingy, but I feel I could never hold you enough. I want to cherish every moment, every smell, every cuddle, every smile. So if you find there are days where I hold you a little tighter, gaze at your eyes a little longer…just remember that this is me, savouring my last firsts.
“Please don’t ever grow up, just stay little” I whisper.
Because you are my last. And I will love you forever.